The Mad Woman
There has been a lot going on in my life and I felt the need to change my profile photo. I took this photo of myself last weekend and decided it's my new favorite photo of myself.
Well we moved into our new apartments with a bit of drama. We're happy with the extra bedroom and bathroom we've got but we're not sure it's worth the added bull shit we've encountered. When we first inquired about the apartments here we asked if they had any restrictions on dogs (breed, weight, etc.) and were told there weren't, we even saw what appeared to be a pit bull type dog sleeping on the couch in an apartment we walked passed. Two main reasons we decided to move in were: 1) Their apparent relaxed rules on dogs and 2) The square foot/ cost of rent ratio—we were getting more space for less money than other apartments we'd looked at.
When we were signing our lease the manager asked us what breed our dog was. Cindi told her we believed he was American Bulldog possibly mixed with American Pit Bull Terrier. There was no reaction from the manager and we continued to sign the huge pile of addendums. Soon after, the manager informed us that the apartment complex did not allow "pit bulls" to live here and encouraged us to tell anyone who asked that Jack is an American Bulldog. I was quite pissed off especially since the pet addendum (we were given late) doesn't mention any restrictions on breed. I don't feel we should have to lie since NOTHING we signed mentions breed restrictions. I like telling people that Jack is a mixed breed dog most likely at least 75% American Pit Bull Terrier. He's an example of why you can't judge a dog by misconceptions and misinformation. But on the other hand, if we weren't told about this alleged rule, most people that live here probably don't know about it either. So the chances of them complaining and causing a problem are pretty minimal, it's just the principal of the issue. Plus I think it would be very difficult for them to evict us for something that isn't mentioned on any of the millions of papers we had to sign before we moved in. She told us this information in passing *after* we'd moved in, which could easily be denied. Though to be on the safe side, asked our vet to write up a letter stating that Jack was adopted and we can’t verify his breed. Regardless of what breed he may be, that’s he’s a well socialized/behaved/trained dog. Figured it was better to be safe then sorry.
Our second issue involves dog feces, something I never though I'd spend so much time worrying about. The manager left a letter on our door accusing us of leaving dog feces on the grassy area around our apartment building. The letter left little possibility that it wasn't us, was very unwelcoming, and vaguely threatening. There is a fenced area on the other side of the building which we initially assumed was a play area but now have been informed is the only area where dogs' are allowed to defecate. I feel this is extremely unrealistic. I feel that as long as we clean up the dog feces it shouldn't matter where it happens. I'm an adult and am used to being treated like one. It feels this manager is acting like an overbearing, assuming parent. She is assuming we're breaking the rules and is just waiting to catch us so she can evict us, not a pleasant feeling. We've been here for two weeks and have already decided to find a new place when our lease ends next August.
We've been experiencing a lot of tension between us since we moved in and I don't think it's a coincidence. But I want to do my very best to still create an atmosphere of love and protection so that the time we do spend here will be as pleasant as possible. We may not be able to control what happens outside our front door, but we certainly can control what happens inside. We still have a lot of unpacking and sorting to do, and I feel once that's done it will seem much more like home here.
I've also been experiencing stress at work. My grandma has decided to work for an additional five years and has decided not to move with my parents in October. She will be living in my parents’ house with one sister and her husband and my youngest sister until they decide to sell their house. I am miserable at work. She withholds information from me and then blames me for not asking. The times I do ask, she's irritated or gives me as little information as possible. I feel she's trying to sabotage my ability to do a good job and trying to make me look bad so in turn she looks good. I think she resents me for actually being able to do her job and do it wildly different than the way she's done it all these years. She doesn't like me changing things and she feels she's being pushed out. I can't blame her for how she feels but this is supposedly what she wanted. I need to quite and find another job. I need to follow my dream of owning a bookstore but I don't know how...
I don't think I'd posted here but I dropped from school with two classes left. I had a panic attack trying to complete my final projects and failed both classes, so I actually have four classes left. I don't know if I'll ever go back and finish. I feel like a failure and haven't even told my therapist about it.
Cindi and I are both doing Weight Watchers. She's done amazingly well; I've done an ok job. I've lost weight every week, but not much, a total of five pounds in six weeks. Meh.
We are still talking about starting to try and get Cindi pregnant in October but we haven't done much planning. We did find a known donor contract and adjusted it to our likening. But that's about it. I wanted to buy a few books to read about lesbian conception and pregnancy in order to do our own research but I haven't done a lick of reading. I'm disappointed in myself that I don't have the extra money to buy all these books that I want or the extra time to read them all. I always feel so pressed for time. I feel there's always stuff that needs to be done but I either don't have the motivation to do them or I don't feel I have enough time to do them all. I need help prioritizing and budgeting my time. I need a better planner but again not enough money to buy one. :(
Not everything in my life is bad, which is probably how it sounds from reading the above. I am currently working towards finding balance in my life and feel really good about work I'm doing with my coven. I am realizing that I indeed need to leave my job for good which is progress in itself. I am getting more excited about the idea of having a baby. I am getting more focused on wanting to pay down our debt and how we can do that. We'd had a budget system but I wasn't participating much in helping Cindi utilize it. I'd handed it all to her in a fit of stress but am realizing it's something we should be doing together. It's too much to place on just on person. There are a lot of changes going on right now but I am hopeful about the future and finally allowing myself to live in the now.
